Keeping the Train Moving When the Tracks Feel Crooked

Recently, I had a pretty severe anxiety attack, the worst in recent memory.

It hit so hard and so fast that for a moment, I was convinced I was having a heart attack or some kind of major medical event. I scared myself, and apparently, I scared my wife even more, because she took the entire day off just to keep an eye on me.

Anxiety and I go way back. I’ve dealt with this disorder in waves throughout my life, and at this point, I’m pretty good at navigating the usual storms with breathing exercises and instinctual CBT practices I’ve built over the years. But every once in a while, something breaks through the defenses. Something gets away from me, and I lose complete control.

And that’s exactly what happened, on a day that looked completely normal.

I woke up optimistic. Stretched a little. Did some yoga. Told myself that today was going to be a good day (which apparently is the exact kind of thing that jinxes everything). I went to work, opened up shop, and turned on the machines. Everything was as routine as routine gets.

Then out of nowhere, I started feeling slightly dizzy, not in a “the room is spinning” way, just a weird, out-of-body floatiness. Then things got loud. My heart started pounding like it was trying to escape my chest. I stepped outside to breathe, pace, get cold air, reset myself… but nothing worked.

I couldn’t get it under control.
I actually had to shut everything down and leave work.

By the time I got home, I was embarrassed and upset. My wife was getting ready for work, and I completely fell apart in front of her, explaining everything. She was understandably freaked out and decided to stay home with me.

I couldn’t get warm. My whole body was shaking. I couldn’t sit still. My heart wouldn’t slow down.
This whole thing lasted from about 6:00 AM until 8:00–8:30 AM.

Looking back, I think the thing that made the spiral worse was how focused I became on my heartbeat. The more it raced, the more scared I got, and the more scared I got, the harder it pounded. Classic vicious cycle.

The rest of the day was spent trying to understand what the hell triggered this. I read about supplements, coping tools, and nervous-system regulation. But mostly, I peeled back the layers of my own thoughts, trying to figure out what’s been simmering under the surface.

And here’s what I found.

The Unexpected Storm

My mother passed away the day after Thanksgiving. She had been battling COPD along with a handful of other health issues. Our relationship was… complicated. Strained. Distant. There’s a whole backstory there that I’ll eventually unpack, but for now, just know it wasn’t simple.

The morning she died, I found out right after getting out of the shower. Coincidentally — or not so coincidentally — that was the same morning I developed this intense, sharp neck pain that shot from the left side base of my skull down through my collarbone and shoulder. It still hasn’t gone away. And because of that pain, my sleep has been garbage. Honestly, it wasn’t great even before all this.

My uncle also passed away in January. I don’t think I’ve really processed that either.

Earlier this year, my wife was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis. We’re managing it the best we can, and she handles it like a champ, but every now and then, I see her struggle. And when I see that, something inside me sinks. Helplessness, fear, frustration, you name it.

And then of course… the holidays.
(My birthday is December 30th, which has always given this season its own weird flavor. Five days after Christmas, right before the new year, I shared with my mother… yeah. A cocktail of complicated feelings.)

On top of that, my dad and all my siblings live 700 miles away. Distance, grief, aging, time running faster than I can keep up with — this whole season hits harder than usual. I feel caught between not wanting to uproot my kids and also not wanting to miss time with the rest of my family. Either direction seems to create a new version of loss. It’s like standing in the middle of two hourglasses draining at the same time.

Peeling Back the Layers

Here’s the thing I realized after sitting with all this:
I don’t process emotions or trauma very well.

Not because I don’t want to, honestly, I thought I was doing a decent job. I laugh, I cry, I get annoyed when some guy with a full cart strolls into the 15-items-or-less checkout. I thought I was expressing things.

But when I really sat with it, I realized my main emotional gear is irritability and frustration.

One major epiphany later, and suddenly the puzzle pieces snapped together:

Repression.
Not the conscious kind, the unconscious variety.
The “your brain quietly buries things until your body blows the whistle” kind.

Repression can show up as anxiety, depression, physical tension, intrusive thoughts, and relationship issues. Basically… everything I’ve been dealing with lately.

And then it hit me even harder.

When my kids come to me excited, loud, chaotic in the way kids are supposed to be, I often respond with irritability. Or exhaustion. Or shutdown. Not intentionally, but consistently. Which means I’ve unintentionally been modeling the same emotional suppression I grew up with.

Realizing that was a punch to the gut.

I don’t want to continue the cycle that hurt me. And I sure as hell don’t want to hand that cycle down to them.

But acknowledging it brought a weird sense of relief, too. Like, okay, now I see the patterns and behaviours. Now I can start changing it.

So What Now?

I’ve been trying to put together a routine that actually supports me instead of just keeping me busy. Nothing fancy, just think of it as maintenance, the things that help me slow down and sit with myself instead of running from myself.

Here’s what my current self-repair kit looks like as of now:

Mornings

• Light yoga

• 10–15 minutes of reflection (aka: “What’s rattling around in my head today?”)

• A daily phone reminder, today’s was “peace begins in my mind,” which is either poetic or taunting, depending on the morning

• Breakfast + supplements

  • Magnesium glycinate

  • D3/K2

  • B12 methylcobalamin

  • Omega-3 (MEGA-DHA)

  • Tulsi (Holy Basil)

Evenings

• Journaling

• L-theanine

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, a psychologist, a guru, a mentor, a wellness influencer, or any other certified anything. Don’t take supplements or advice from a random guy on the internet without talking to your doctor. Seriously.

The only new supplement additions here are the Omega-3s and Tulsi. Everything else has been part of my routine for years. But I’m optimistic. I know I just need to stick with it, forgive myself when I fall off, and keep adjusting as I go.

Wrapping It Up (For Now)

I’ll write an update down the road. This blog is basically my open journal anyway, a place to sort through the mess and make sense of things one piece at a time.

I’m still learning, still figuring things out, still trying to do better.
Just like you.

If this resonates with you or you want to talk, feel free to reach out. You’re not alone in the weird maze of being human.

And hey… if nothing else, maybe my chaos will make your chaos feel a little less lonely.